Who's the Expert?

It doesn't take much for me to wish I could ask an expert about so many things. There must be someone who knows more than I do about this. Like a child taking a shortcut, I want to ask, "What's the answer?" and get the answer! Could it really be all right to accept not knowing? I also find myself thinking, "They know so much more than I about this, perhaps I should just give this up." This is a not so subtle way of disrespecting myself! Is it really okay to admire without turning the negative back my way, to make peace with a state of uncertainty? Ah, the structures are so familiar! Imagine feeling at ease with collaboration, trusting that each will do that which they can and be glad of the net result, just as it is. We can share the not knowing, and finding, playing with the puzzle pieces and allowing the shapes to shift and change.

My yoga practice has brought me to a state of awareness and compassion that allows me to smile at all this in myself. I accept my fear of relying upon myelf as a natural protective reflex against the judgment of failure, shame or stupidity that could be one step away whenever I am unsure. This reflex rarely bothers me anymore, especially if I see it coming. All my life most "answers" have brought along possibilities for more inquiry. I used to feel confused by this, since others seemed to be so much more sure of what they knew -- without needing to keep asking. Now I understand that it is my choice how deeply to pursue the inquiry, or to decide that I have enough of what I need to take action or to bring peace.

I'm not living in a snarled web of tangled threads that demands my attention in all directions at all times. I am like a spider using all the threads to continuously weave a web that holds the world in which I live. As my practice deepens I have come to see this layer of activity as one of gathering and placing, rather than mending and solidifying.

There are many beings who know a great deal more than I about a great many aspects of living and being. Through their own experiences, and the weavings they have made with the threads within their reach, others have much to show me. Perhaps it is my place in middle age that brings me this new comfort level with the idea that there are no experts who can just "give me the answer," but I am very willing to attribute this to my yoga practice. I can use what others teach and share, and weave this into my daily web making, seeing how things fit. My web can hold the drops of morning and evening dew and withstand the winds of my breath.