Sunday, May 15, 2011

I am not gone, not mist either

The enormity of being present through these strange and miraculous weeks, in which both my parents died, has left me unsure of my physical shell. I feel the breath, counting on it as a reminder of what it takes to describe the line between living and not living. Its qualities have changed, and I wait for the waves of gratitude to return.

I cut the first asparagus. I weed the blueberries and untangle the mesh netting from the delicate branches budded for bloom and berry. There is celebration and grief in my every action.

It is too easy to say that I am quietly turning my attention towards the earth. More complex to draw my heart away from tending and caring for the people I love who have drifted out of this realm. My eyes soften just below the horizon, widening the view without focusing.

Memory and experience are collections of my mind, rotated at will to allow for varied levels of engagement and reaction. My heart beating has its own imperative, driving my body and leading to possibilities that calibrate a normal life.

The apple branches dip just in front of the window, buds amid leaves, blooms amid twigs. This was true last year too, and without any storytelling, the birds peck at the damp bark.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah,
    So sorry to hear about your loss of both parents so close together. I am still often missing my mother now over a year since she passed away. I'm glad you have your gardening. Many times I have been helped by working in the garden, though now I have such a small space to work.

    I returned today from a trip to Toronto and my thoughts turned to you as I wished it were only Tuesday and I might have had time to still make it to your class. As it was, I couldn't have made it anyway with the traffic from the airport. Maybe sometime this summer with the six Fridays I have available I will find your class again.